Are these guys (and Michele Bachmann) real?
Who needs Saturday Night Live or reality TV when CNN's GOP debate on national security is the most entertainment I've had in a long time?
As I watched the debate, the first one I saw from start to finish, it occurred to me that none of these people is fit to be president of the United States.
Ron Simple Paul is just too straightforward, the Ross Perot of the bunch. He wants to "eliminate the welfare state", cancel all wars, including the war on drugs, and basically stop spending taxpayers' money. I have to admit, I agree with a lot of what he's saying. But I'm mature enough to know that in this day and age it's not that simple.
The ASPCA's Most Wanted, Mitt Romney, is so political, it's hard to pin him down on a lot of important issues, even for CNN's Wolf Blitzer. In the end, though, that doesn't matter. In this race, no one else comes close to matching his impeccable hair and his speaking voice. Mitt just looks presidential and at this point he's the one that would get my nod as the GOP candidate for president.
Then there's Newt You're-Scaring-Me Gingrich. How did Newt ever become a politician (or get his name)? Newt wants us to use Lean Six Sigma methods to right-size the government and lose the fat. He wants the United States to restore the lustre it had at the end of WWII "when we were really serious". He wants us to open up American oil fields to "drive down the price of oil on the world markets". That's what "we would do if we were really serious!" His most disturbing comments were reserved for the top three national security threats facing the United States today, the most ominous one being something called "an electromagnetic pulse attack". Just the sound of it sent shivers up my spine. For that reason, I decided then and there that I would never vote for Newt. He scares me.
Then there's former governor of Utah and former ambassador to China, Jon Get-Your-Facts-Straight Huntsman. Excuse me, Jon, but most of us are watching this online and it's no sweat to fact-check in real time. I looked up his assertion that the US debt-to-GDP was 70%, because that sounded low. Sure enough, US debt-to-GDP is about to pass 100% in the next few months (it's 99% today). If you can't get your US macroeconomic facts straight, should we really trust you as our expert on China and foreign policy, Jon?
Next is my favourite, Rick Son-of-"Dubbya" Perry, governor of Texas. This guy sounds and acts like Bush Jr. He even holds his hands the same way when he's speaking. Poor Ricky suffered a serious brain fart in the second-to-last debate, where he forgot the third of three federal departments he would scrap, "when I get there". Last night he pontificated about how he would "secure the border" with Mexico to protect the United States from those pesky illegals. Maybe he's planning to steal Herman Cain's idea to electrify the giant fence along the border.
I have to admit I found Rick Shining-City-on-the-Hill Santorum, former Pennsylvania state senator, a real nice guy. His message seemed to be the most wholesome. Yet, on second thought, this bird won't fly. Santorum just sounds too wide-eyed and dreamy. Still, I felt somehow reassured that the United States -- that "shining city on the hill" --was going to pull out of its tailspin and lead the free world to eternal happiness if Rick were elected president.
Then there was Herman One-Two-Three Cain, last night. Forget about his womanizing misadventures. This guy thinks he's running for CEO of the United States. He doesn't get that businesses are dictatorships and countries are democracies. You can't run cost-benefit analyses on every program in the federal budget, Hermie. Why? Because we're not making pizzas here, we're trying to protect and advance our society. And sometimes you have to make decisions based on your gut. But I just love that "One ..., Two ... Three" stuff! He's soooo confident.
And last but not least, there's Michele My-Dad-My Grand-Dad-My-Brother-All-Served-In-The-Military Bachmann. Uncharacteristically for Michele, she made no mistakes last night, other than to wear "too much makeup", but look who's talking (Arianna Huffington). In fact, much to her credit, when pressed on whether she would pull US funding from Pakistan, owing to her privileged position on the US House Intelligence Committee, she basically answered "yes" and "no" because, well, it's complicated. No sh*t, Sherlock! It's complicated because Pakistan is armed with nukes and we pay Pakistan to aim them away from us. Anyway, I don't think Ms. Bachmann would make a good GOP presidential candidate but I believe she would be offered a senior cabinet post in a GOP administration, should one get elected.
And should such a GOP administration be headed by that pet lover, Mitt Romney, at least his dog won't have to ride shotgun on the car roof ever again!
Who needs Saturday Night Live or reality TV when CNN's GOP debate on national security is the most entertainment I've had in a long time?
As I watched the debate, the first one I saw from start to finish, it occurred to me that none of these people is fit to be president of the United States.
Ron Simple Paul is just too straightforward, the Ross Perot of the bunch. He wants to "eliminate the welfare state", cancel all wars, including the war on drugs, and basically stop spending taxpayers' money. I have to admit, I agree with a lot of what he's saying. But I'm mature enough to know that in this day and age it's not that simple.
The ASPCA's Most Wanted, Mitt Romney, is so political, it's hard to pin him down on a lot of important issues, even for CNN's Wolf Blitzer. In the end, though, that doesn't matter. In this race, no one else comes close to matching his impeccable hair and his speaking voice. Mitt just looks presidential and at this point he's the one that would get my nod as the GOP candidate for president.
Then there's Newt You're-Scaring-Me Gingrich. How did Newt ever become a politician (or get his name)? Newt wants us to use Lean Six Sigma methods to right-size the government and lose the fat. He wants the United States to restore the lustre it had at the end of WWII "when we were really serious". He wants us to open up American oil fields to "drive down the price of oil on the world markets". That's what "we would do if we were really serious!" His most disturbing comments were reserved for the top three national security threats facing the United States today, the most ominous one being something called "an electromagnetic pulse attack". Just the sound of it sent shivers up my spine. For that reason, I decided then and there that I would never vote for Newt. He scares me.
Then there's former governor of Utah and former ambassador to China, Jon Get-Your-Facts-Straight Huntsman. Excuse me, Jon, but most of us are watching this online and it's no sweat to fact-check in real time. I looked up his assertion that the US debt-to-GDP was 70%, because that sounded low. Sure enough, US debt-to-GDP is about to pass 100% in the next few months (it's 99% today). If you can't get your US macroeconomic facts straight, should we really trust you as our expert on China and foreign policy, Jon?
Next is my favourite, Rick Son-of-"Dubbya" Perry, governor of Texas. This guy sounds and acts like Bush Jr. He even holds his hands the same way when he's speaking. Poor Ricky suffered a serious brain fart in the second-to-last debate, where he forgot the third of three federal departments he would scrap, "when I get there". Last night he pontificated about how he would "secure the border" with Mexico to protect the United States from those pesky illegals. Maybe he's planning to steal Herman Cain's idea to electrify the giant fence along the border.
I have to admit I found Rick Shining-City-on-the-Hill Santorum, former Pennsylvania state senator, a real nice guy. His message seemed to be the most wholesome. Yet, on second thought, this bird won't fly. Santorum just sounds too wide-eyed and dreamy. Still, I felt somehow reassured that the United States -- that "shining city on the hill" --was going to pull out of its tailspin and lead the free world to eternal happiness if Rick were elected president.
Then there was Herman One-Two-Three Cain, last night. Forget about his womanizing misadventures. This guy thinks he's running for CEO of the United States. He doesn't get that businesses are dictatorships and countries are democracies. You can't run cost-benefit analyses on every program in the federal budget, Hermie. Why? Because we're not making pizzas here, we're trying to protect and advance our society. And sometimes you have to make decisions based on your gut. But I just love that "One ..., Two ... Three" stuff! He's soooo confident.
And last but not least, there's Michele My-Dad-My Grand-Dad-My-Brother-All-Served-In-The-Military Bachmann. Uncharacteristically for Michele, she made no mistakes last night, other than to wear "too much makeup", but look who's talking (Arianna Huffington). In fact, much to her credit, when pressed on whether she would pull US funding from Pakistan, owing to her privileged position on the US House Intelligence Committee, she basically answered "yes" and "no" because, well, it's complicated. No sh*t, Sherlock! It's complicated because Pakistan is armed with nukes and we pay Pakistan to aim them away from us. Anyway, I don't think Ms. Bachmann would make a good GOP presidential candidate but I believe she would be offered a senior cabinet post in a GOP administration, should one get elected.
And should such a GOP administration be headed by that pet lover, Mitt Romney, at least his dog won't have to ride shotgun on the car roof ever again!
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